Realizations

Just like that very randomly the realization came to me. The closure that I did not know I was looking for in the first place, came to me. I probably was hung over, over the fact that the cardinal vow that we had for each other had been violated.

The vow: in life our equation will have to change, and if we want to be in each other’s life, we would have to make way for love to evolve into friendship.

One day you were gone without a trace. I was hurt. Hurt so bad. Hurt that it was easy for you to walk away like so, so many times before. I couldn’t forgive you! I couldn’t. I thought I had evolved and mind you gracefully at that! But not once in those counting of months that went by, or remembering and yet not caring enough to wish you on your birthday, blinking away angry tears, breaking down each time my self takes over, after one too many drinks. Not once did I think of why you did what you did. Not once did I rationalize if not parting the way we did, then what?

Today, so far away from the last time we ever spoke I realize. Maybe it was something you had to do. What else could you do? It was best for you. Now I realize there is nothing wrong in it! In your context, it is fine. You did fine. I may not have done it had it been me and lived a torn life. 

Fact of the matter is that I choose. Choose to be happy. To live a normal life which did not and would never have you. Even if I got a miraculous chance, I know I would not go back to our life ever! Then why did I want you to keep your promise? I was selfish after all. I did not evolve with time or changing relationships to realize the different roles you play as a part of your current reality. I play these new roles too. I was childish and quite naive! But today I truly let go! I will not promise I have healed completely, but I will try some more to move ahead completely not looking back.

I choose to forgive you

Forgive me

And essentially forgive

Our love 

That used to be. 

I am grateful that it happened and not regretful that it has been long since over.

Faith

Faith
When you bar your soul
And hope for it to be preserved

Faith
When you try harder
And hope it will make a difference

Faith
When going gets tough
And you try harder

Faith
When nothing makes sense
But you never let go

Faith
Can tip you either way
Good or bad

But Faith
Will keep you going,
Always

Faith
Because it is
The only thing that matters

#Gratitude

Wait

I have felt a lot of things, anger, heartbreak, disillusionment but I have never known sadness; quite like this before. There is a resignation that things are going down the hill and you can do nothing about it. Do you fortify yourself or do you just give yourself some more to make things work that is not working out.

It is so funny how history is repeating itself. A few years back, summer was here, with a lot of life changing times, I stood there seeing things crumble down right in front of me. Here I am in a life that is mine but I am seeing my marriage get broken down bit by bit, being unloved, unwanted as I furiously try and stay afloat for myself. Feelings have refused to come, remorse and repentance takes the centre stage. Would my life have been any different had I been on my own, living for myself?

I am drowning myself and my sorrows in whatever that can bring some peace and solace to my life. Be it books, travel, stepping out with friends, anything that would help me cope, to divert my mind from how things are turning out to be. May be it is my doing and I brought it on me with my sorry existence! I have stopped even questioning it.

The wait is endless, for clarity. Will it be an end or a new beginning?

Dear you

Dear you,

The you, that loved me,

Like no other.

The you, that took me

Under his wing,

Cocooned me,

Away from the harsh world,

Taking away the pain

Filling me with love

That only you could.

 

Dear you,.

I miss you,

Our conversations ,

That comfort of your

Arms enveloping me

Of snuggling my face

In your neck

Feeling your arms

Securing me close.

 

Dear you,

Why can’t promises come true?

Why did things have to change?

Why must it still hurt?

Why can’t the sheer love,

Triumph the rules of the world?

Must we exist only as lovers

And not as friends?

Why can’t we coexist

In our realities?

 

Dear you

Maybe you don’t think of me anymore

May be I am not who you used to love

Maybe you have decided

 To uncomplicated life

Maybe I have stopped meaning

Anything to you.

Maybe this is it.

 

Dear you,

I have loved you,

With all my being.

I still do,

And I fear

I will

Always.

 

Motherhood

Motherhood happens to you, you can't choose for it to happen. Think about it, you may be planning but what guarantee that it will happen the time you want it? Also, you dont need to give birth to be a mother. Yes, I completely and totally believe that; having raised a niece and now a pup; my maternal instincts are established so my argument counts.

Coming to Murf, Murfa as I call him a zillion times, rush home just to be with him, check on the cameras countless number of times, fretting, longing and dying to just get home. This feeling, this is beyond what love/romance can do to you in terms of the intensity of the feeling. This urge to be there for a little one, even if he/she may not be needing you. You tear up the moment there is a fall, you fret over a sneeze, you are anguished if he doesn't come running to you. This feeling has to be the best in the world, for me.

Motherhood has changed me so much, it is always him over I, it is bending those little rules to make way for his smiles, it is to overlook feeling yucky while picking poop, it is to be relentless when he has to have his meds even if he does not want to. It is tearing up if he is unwell, tears which you don't even shed for yourself. One moment you are a tough cookie and the next your eyes have welled up for the tiny one. One moment you are constricting your shopping urges and the next you are splurging for those lil nick knacks for him. Motherhood, it allowed me to love with all of my heart, the broken, the scarred, the underdeveloped parts of me I never knew existed. And if it is possible, motherhood, it filled the lil cracks in my heart that had deepened over time with longing for love and to belong and where existence had a meaning.

Someday I will have my little one, but Murf you are and will always be special, one after my heart. You may not be born of me, but you healed me and you gave birth to a mother and taught me the greatest lesson of all times: unconditional love. Murfa, my love; I have never quite loved anyone the way I love you. You are the epicenter of my being. Love seems like a tiny word now.

Once a believer

Has it happened that you meet a person, a long time friend or even an ex after lengths of time and you forget the animosity and connect and then you both slip into normal lives as if this reunion meant nothing? At least for me, I was not the one slipping back to the usual life and I felt really disappointed with the entire experience and wondered at the futility of it all.

There was a time I used to believe that even after a relationship going caput the friendship remains because the foundation of all relationships is friendship. It might take a while to get over the emotions or come to grips with it; despite the effort that one might have to put in, the end result is totally and completely doable. I believed this with all my heart and to a large extent I thought it worked out for me as well. But I was wrong.

There comes a time when while fighting on inane things you realize why certain things does not feel the way you think it was supposed to feel. Why the idea of talking to an ex is something that makes you excited but the aftermath of it is disappointing. It took me a while, I expected things to be normal baring the emotions but it was the emotions the way they were then, that made that equation so special. The realization put a lot of pent up disappointment at ease. I remember the times when I was waiting to feel a particular thing, or I expected the equation to flow in to something that I felt was the next step when all I actually got in return is a distant feeling that made me feel a lil queasy.

Maybe sometimes an end is an ending for good. Had it lingered it would just rake up trouble that you would rather not deal with. And sometimes it is okay and not everything needs to end in happily ever after.

Unconditional

Sometimes in life you come across someone who reminds you of you from a lost time. You recognize the same vulnerability, the confusion gnawing at the soul, the same torment that you have once experienced. From a younger version of you to the older and wiser one that you are now, you have been through it so when you see a loved one in a similar strife; you just try to ease it out by extending some understanding. You know some bridges need to be crossed by people themselves and you can but extend your support during the journey. Words would just help you cope, at least I hope mine does. To better times that is bound to be the sunlight piercing through the gloom.

Dear U,

You free spirited, social butterfly with the heart of gold; know that you embody the intrinsic values that make a person stand out. You, who is mature, kind, gorgeous, the heart of a party and the most sensible among peers. Acknowledge, embody and revel in the intrinsic goodness of being called U.

I write this to you for I want you to have this with you in writing if such a day comes when the world feels grey and nothing makes sense and yet you are unable to reach out for help. This will be there for you to remember and remind yourself that “You will be fine” and this too shall pass.

U, the society has skewed notions of right and wrong; acceptable and unacceptable. Do what you feel right even if it is grey. I may not have made the right choices in life; and I am definitely not telling you to follow my steps. I am merely telling you that a path exists beyond the “accepted” or the “approved” and you have to set your own rules and stick by it. 

Know that the only fear or apprehension you are allowed to have in life is when you are doing something your heart does not permit. And we are never going to debate on if what the heart feels or wants is wrong because the heart is often our soul talking. Allow yourself to make mistakes but deny yourself for allowing it to break or defeat you. Tell yourself no matter what you will not be trivial in life, be it your emotions, relationships or decisions in your life and everything else will work itself out; it will.

Know that when we go through a tough patch in life, we are sent companions to help get through it. Years later too there will be someone to help you through your then reality; be it me or someone else; so allow help to come through and let it bail you out. Because it’s easier to believe someone else than yourself because the mind plays tricks.

Remember, when we are put through strife we are also given the strength to get through it.

This too shall pass. Take heart my love, there will be a time when we will laugh at this, but never about what we felt.

I’m going to be your standby from now on. Always.

Lots of love
R

Grateful

They came into my life when I had least expected it. Like a dream, things fell into place and suddenly there they were, enveloping me in their warmth, filling my life with a lot of fun and teaching me to reclaim life the way I had always known it to be.

 

Maybe this is how friendship is. For as long as this may last, I am grateful.

Roots

What makes us the person we are? Is it the education? is it a place of belonging? Is it people? Or a place or the background we are born and brought up in? A little bit of everything I guess.


I guess as we grow older, away from roots or life as we were used to, meet newer people from diverse background, we move far ahead of time than what could have ever conceptualize that we stop to take a breath to feel, to let our reality sink in. At least this happened with me. Moving away from home, away from people I thought were my people, away from a place I call my motherland; I found my roots calling me ever so prominently.


Roots, those invisible bonds that tie you back to those little things that make up most of your being. Being away from all things familiar I keep my roots alive in the smallest of things; like making food the way I grew up having, incorporating lil nuances like the concshell in the temple, or trying hard to never forget everything that mattered something to me.


Sometimes all you can do is try, try to preserve your roots and not let time corrode it. To keep the fire simmering but not letting it burn you down. Someday I hope to pass it down, to recreate the beautiful ways that made me more than what I am, the soul rich in experience something that money can never compensate. Someday my little one, will experience it as if it is a way of life and not just as yet another experience to have.


Someday home will not be such a painful emotion.

30

Three decades on this planet does feel like a lot. I try and be happy or think about all the happy things that have happened in an attempt to be happy; but somehow I find it hard to recall (not because they donot exist but maybe the memories were not happy enough to be remembered) Nonetheless, I know even if momentarily I was happy. Be it getting a job, be it meeting my soulmate, be it making new friends or owning my car.

The thing with turning a year older is, I feel like I have lost time, I feel more alone than I have ever felt, I feel there is a sense of futility to this entire existence. It seems crazy but at the face of being 'settled in life' I have no one to call my own. I have material comforts but nothing that truly pleases me. I have family and people but none to call my own.

30, so many years on this planet yet none to cherish. There is a ring of finality, like there is no option but to grow up, to face your fate; live to inch closer to the end. Like there will be adult things I will not be able to overlook, duties that I will have to comply to, like this life will be about others and officially no longer mine, the fire that burns rebelliously to prove its individuality will eventually be extinguished and domesticated. A life which will be more about others and less about me.

I know not everything has to be a particular way because it is the norm. But at the face of rebellion, the disintegration is imminent even if slow. no amount of broad thinking, understanding partner or progressive society can stall the corrosion. Freedom, independence, equality are but jargons; words of consolation to appease the fire in you, until it can be eventually tamed and extinguished.

I say this not out of anger or reproach but as a sad acknowledgement. How many times have our mothers put their husbands, their kids to the forefront and forgotten their own needs, happiness or their own voice? How many times have they managed to retain their own identity and not be known as a wife or a mother? Few and rare times. How many times have their pursed their lips, taken things in their stride, muffled the voices that seemed to be loud enough to be heard? How many times have others stepped up / ahead taking into their stride her inability or failings? This is a fate we all have seen, turned away refusing to accept or fight so hard to push back but for a day, on her birthday. What happens when the day is over? 'Take her for granted' comes back in to the everyday life.

Pardon me, I donot want to sound cynical. Maybe I do, but importantly, i am but just stating the obvious. I am a positive person and would like to see the bright side but one must call a spade a spade; makes reality a bit more bearable instead of building an alternate reality.

What this new decade will unfurl I will but have to wait and see. But for the entire decade and more (11 years) of this blog being a part of my journey, for seeing me through some of the toughest times of my life, for keeping me sane, for being my only outlet! I am grateful!

This 30th year, I promise myself to find reasons to be happy than sad, to never indulge in my darkness, to take life as it comes. This 30, will be about healing!

Frayed bonds..

It is one of those days, I'm plugged to some amazing music. Music that takes me back in time to a part of my life which now seems light years away and puts me in a pensive, reflective mood. But of course there are other factors which contribute to this mood, like the fact that two important people in my journey of life is now quite present by way of communication.


Friendship has a way of coming back. Maybe it is one of the only ways how some people can be in your life despite the history you share. Maybe that is way the reappearance of S & HIM has been a welcome. It will be left to see if this will be yet another cause of heartache but I do believe in the essential goodness of people. Taking a leap of faith here, if I were to be proven wrong I'd know I tried.


Few days back S reached out to me out of the blue to talk. I don't know what propelled him to place that call but in some ways I was truly happy that he did. After all we had such amazing history and it is a pity we had to give up that friendship. Maybe we will take those baby steps to be in touch and maybe, just maybe we end up rekindling the friendship. What makes me jittery is that I see him contemplate what we were, regretting not making it work and constantly comparing his present to his past, which is unfair. We were young, carefree and probably at that point we had an impactful relationship. But times have changed since then, we are happy and settled in our lives now.


HIM, well we do our tiny bits of conversations now and then but nothing to write about. However brief the conversations are, I try and connect to my intellectual solace that he was to me. I crave for our length conversations, I crave for him to be there to understand what I am going through but that never happens. And the person that I have now become, understands and recognizes and makes peace with what I can never get.


Must all lovers die when their relationship ends? I'd rather evolve it to friendship but I do understand that it is easier said than done. Maybe you truly need to heal to be able to start afresh keeping the history behind. Maybe I have done my healing hence despite being reminded of my painful past I can choose to look beyond it to be there to be friends.


In life we rarely meet people whom we connect with, and if we do, can we just take them along in our journey of life?

Gender Equality And All That Jazz

Okay it's about 9:24 am and I am having a bad day. Yes already! Running a temperature, sore throat and body ready to give up. So why am I not home? Well because a women gets less care and attention as compared to a guy. When the guy falls sick you are all over him, running his errands, attending to his whims and fancies, giving him to care to nurse him back to life. What happens when it is you? You do get the words, but never the recognition. I hate to generalise, I hate it, I find this attitude regressive but if I am honest to my self, I know it is a reality I am in. So this is going to turn into a rant but I guess I am allowed a rant once in a while right?

Gender inequality is totally a thing, let not anyone tell you otherwise. Just think of it, no one really turns around and scolds, okay even realizes that you haven't eaten breakfast but you, the nurturer always notice the little things, you feel guilty for not being around enough, to shower your love enough, to be there, you feel guilty even for the times, you genuinely can't be there for people. But men? They are a strange creature, even the best of them. I know there are exceptions and I am happy for those who are lucky to have these exceptions in life. But mostly men, are 'takers' or maybe the ones in my life have always been takers, or maybe i am too much of a giver.

Isn't it strange how times have evolved now? People are warming up to the fact that women have careers and they contribute to life and lifestyle of a family, but they equality turn a blind eye to her taking up more than her share of work at home, be it cooking, cleaning, providing, or just helping others doing their thing.

Maybe it is a bad day, but maybe most women go through this, never say much and take it in their stride. maybe it is just me, maybe but maybe not! 

Disillusioned

How you do it?
Pick yourself up
time and again.
To resolve
To fight harder
To never give up?

Days turn into weeks
And then to months
And years.
Struggles remain
Magnitude change and
With it the pain.

Rejection,
Hurt
Anguish
Wallowing in self pity
How do you do it?
Pick yourself up
Resolving to
Start from scratch
once again?

Reunion

If you told me even a year back that there would be a time when we would meet, healed or pretending to have healed from the ravages of our past, as normal people would meet their loved one, be a friend or a colleague; I'd have disbelieved you. I still cannot overcome the overwhelming feeling that comes associated with the fact that we met, a lil over 3 years later, damaged, alive and willing to preserve our bond given just how drastically our lives have changed. You have welcomed the lil one in your life and I have found my copilot for life.. We have moved on but we found reasons to reconnect; can't thank God enough for this.


This is what I wrote in Jan 2015, which now seems eons away...

" Sometimes I really wish to secure sometime for me and you and talk my heart out and tell you things the way they are with me. But there is just so much history that I dont think we can get past to be there for each other. And if someday we could, I'd tell you that I long for the you I had fallen in love with, I miss my soulmate and more than which I miss our conversations, those hugs that made me feel secure and the life that was ours.
Life has changed, we have moved on but must we give up on the love that fueled our soul?"

I don't know how we did this, how did we convert your popping in and out of my life every few quarters to an almost believable more reliable once in a while correspondence? How did I manage to confide in you about the changes in my life? My struggles and shortcomings and you heard me out and was there. How did we manage to convert our telephone conversations to that one historic meeting? It is nothing short of a miracle for me and something I am tremendously grateful for, as it healed me and I probably found You anew in a way I know I will never lose You. 

The past few days has been about rewinding events as they happened and I stopped short because this is exactly what I used to do before as if to memorize everything just the way it happened, lest I forget and it made me really sad. The fear of losing, of running out of time, of not being around You have damaged me in ways that I had not anticipated. That wave when you first spotted me, of the way you kept looking at my face as I spoke to you, more animated than my usual self trying to make you believe that I had not changed over time, to preserve what is remaining of what was just ours. But what mattered most to me was, when we left the cafe the other day I knew we had forged something which we will never shy of admitting, something that is more durable and more true.

To a new innings...

Diwali

This weekend has been about setting the home in order and prepping up for Diwali and a lot of memories came tumbling out and hence the reflective mood.

Diwali has been somewhat a time for family but not that big with Bongs hence I always found myself without a plan and often friendless. My Diwali celebrations during the years away from home has been about visiting Vaidu in Mumbai, this was my time with her, with a generous dose of practicality and reality check thrown in. It also meant to feel left out, to feel unwanted, the feeling of not fitting in. But then V happened and life turned out. He stepped in to make my home feel complete with smallest of traditions and until life finally threw us together.

Diwali now means planning weeks in advance, to putting up lights up together, to plan lil gifts and planning for puja at home. No matter how much I crib about the lack of emotional intensity (all are misplaced notions) I know its there, just that there is a different facet to things now. Sometimes you dont need a burning fire as a proof of emotions, because sometimes that fire burns you down completely. And sometimes, you meet someone who is like glowing embers which you mistake for not being there but it is there, burning slowly and steadily keeping you warm, inside out.

I may not say it as much, but that hand gripping the ladder tightly as I reach out to fix the lights, or that constant loud conversations across rooms to check on where I am and what I am up to is strangely comforting and reassuring. Festivities are not just about continuing with accepted rituals but it is also about starting something new, together.

This festivities, start a new tradition.

Happy Diwali 

#MarriedNotBranded

I read this tweet by Twinkle Khanna and I think no one has pegged the topic with so few words. This is one of those things which is a trigger to me. No one told me, I did not discuss it with my better half and surely I had never really thought for myself what is it that I will look like, or feel like, or act like when I am married. Hence maybe I found the ‘married tag’ so difficult to deal with.

For the first six months, I became the dutiful daughter in law, being dressed in traditional on our weekends at home. While I was happy to do it, I cringed along the way. Until a major meltdown happened on totally unconnected thing, when I realized I hate being branded. Maybe that is why I never really even contemplated a name change post marriage. Did not think twice about contributing at home, doing my thing or actually put my point across emphatically (though at times not really required) that I will always be a working woman and mom eventually.

Much along the lines of what MrsFunnyBones said, being is not about being branded. Do I need tell a tale signs of being married to be or feel married I don’t think so! Took me a while to get here but nevertheless here I am knowing what I like and what I don’t. there is no set rules to go by here but something that feels right to you, just one thing, that one has to be supremely cautious not to hurt sentiments but manage them effectively while putting one’s thoughts ahead.

Dear You,

Writing this to you because you need to know this and face reality. In your bid to keep your value system intact, to adapt to your new roles and doing well, to carry out your existing roles to perfection you have lost your way. The very thing you were adamant of not committing, you did that, you lost yourself in trying to do good by all. You lost self love, you lost focus on your priorities. You became someone who is a mere shadow of who you were.

As a result you started depending on others for happiness, you expecting love, care and concern from others and forgot how to give that to yourself first. In your vain attempt at normal life you forgot the biggest lesson you have ever learnt, that in your life, you are the only one there for you. You dont have a soul mate, you dont have a confidant, you dont have a family, you had you and you forgot! Could it be worse than this? You had learnt, you believed, you pulled yourself out of the mess in the past and then gave up on yourself.

Now you need to start all over again. Learn it again! The hard way, coz nothing else seems to hit home for you.

Yours
You

Half a year gone by

Hey!

I dropped in to say that it has been half a year already, of being married. It is a strange feeling. By now I have accepted that I am not used to or comfortable with the notion of "being married". No it has got nothing to do with the fact that I am unhappy or unsettled. On the contrary I am but I guess being anti establishment has a lot to do with the notion and nothing else.

It is a great feeling to fall asleep beside someone I know is my other half, to know he is there like a shadow, who cares, checks in on me, scolds me, gets all cranky but is there! When I curl up against him and his arms comes around pulling me close, his heartbeat lulls me to sleep, I know he is 'my person' and he has my back, always. He understands when I cringe endorsing tell-a-tale signs of a married woman, he understands my most erratic of apprehensions, he accommodates my follies, recognizes my contributions and then those times when random tears puts up an appearance or gloomy thoughts clouds my mind! He is there, reading, understanding and most importantly giving space.

Living a life that has more 'ours' than 'mine' is something new and immensely gratifying. I've come to cherish our joint cooking sessions, where either I am cooking and he is around for company or I perch myself on the counter as he goes about trying something new. Creating a life together is truly a gratifying feeling, I am finally discovering 'home' anew. When all things familiar had gone through drastic changes, I know I have 'my person' right there for comfort.

No life is not hunky dory, I have to pick up after him, I keep a track of laundry and do it diligently. I plan food and cook it too and in bargain he files my taxes, services my car, and keeps the paperwork updated! Half a year you say? I think after a while time just flew! But it is a great feeling to constantly share your dreams, to plan travel, to look back to London times, to envision life ahead, to fight and make up and in all of the lil fights to build a life together.

6 months and so many more to go...  

Hello from the other side!

Yeah when I get where I'm going

There'll be only happy tears

I will shed the sins and struggles

I have carried all these years

And I'll leave my heart wide open

I will love and have no fear

Yeah when I get where I'm going

Don't cry for me down here

-       Brad Paisley

This has been long over due. Hello from the other side, I am Mrs Anand now! Yes that is my new name, actually no! I am still called Phoenix, not a name change anywhere but just that my happiness now reaches my eyes. Much married! Okay been a little over a month but who cares, I am finally where I belong, where I feel loved, respected and where there are no shadows of the past.
Does it mean that what happened in the past was bad? No! I knew love in its purest form. But I realized, what burns brightly, burns you down too! And that is what happened with me. But now I refuse to dwell in what went wrong. I refuse to be who I used to be because it will ruin the now and the tomorrow I can live. So yes, its a conscious step ahead but with none of the bitterness of the past. I do see things better in retrospective. I understand me and all those traumatic experiences I had, I understand you better.


I’ve never forgiven you completely. May have forgiven parts when I was given up without a fight, when I did not get the love and respect that I deserved as a person but never for not being around. But today I forgive wholeheartedly, for there is no space in my life for regret, remorse or angst. I have taken a leap of faith and I intend to be true to it with my all.

Had dropped in to say that I am alive! No longer sad or heartbroken and if not anything else, I am happy in life! Hope you are too, wherever you are!

New Beginnings

 Dear You,

You must be tired, exhausted, mentally drained, but do you know how strong you really are? All those times when giving felt tough you gave some more. Times when you felt hurt and angry but you kept the smile on. Disappointed, dejected and subdued but you kept going. Do you know how terribly bold and courageous you have been? No you are not told this often. But you need to know that is tremendous that you do and the way you make things possible, that undying energy, the spark of life, the zest to make it all work! It's great, take my words for it!

This has been an important year of your life. You came to re look at relationships anew. You got into a major relationship, which will now mark the course of your life. You found new people, you lost old friends, you gained them back and then got to know existing relationships in a new way. You have been confused, angry, hurt, your heart has been filled with longing, with want for some guidance, love and some old fashion care.

You learned to forgive yourself before you try and forgive others. It's okay you have not been able to do what you are supposed to do. There is always a next time. But don't slow now and remember the mistakes as scars. While you forgive and understand others, make sure you start with yourself.

You, a new phase is about to begin in your new life! Embrace it and not go toward it like an impending task! THIS PHASE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST YOURS TO CELEBRATE. Dont let the past cloud your mind & heart. Look ahead, for future lies there.