Motherhood

Motherhood happens to you, you can't choose for it to happen. Think about it, you may be planning but what guarantee that it will happen the time you want it? Also, you dont need to give birth to be a mother. Yes, I completely and totally believe that; having raised a niece and now a pup; my maternal instincts are established so my argument counts.

Coming to Murf, Murfa as I call him a zillion times, rush home just to be with him, check on the cameras countless number of times, fretting, longing and dying to just get home. This feeling, this is beyond what love/romance can do to you in terms of the intensity of the feeling. This urge to be there for a little one, even if he/she may not be needing you. You tear up the moment there is a fall, you fret over a sneeze, you are anguished if he doesn't come running to you. This feeling has to be the best in the world, for me.

Motherhood has changed me so much, it is always him over I, it is bending those little rules to make way for his smiles, it is to overlook feeling yucky while picking poop, it is to be relentless when he has to have his meds even if he does not want to. It is tearing up if he is unwell, tears which you don't even shed for yourself. One moment you are a tough cookie and the next your eyes have welled up for the tiny one. One moment you are constricting your shopping urges and the next you are splurging for those lil nick knacks for him. Motherhood, it allowed me to love with all of my heart, the broken, the scarred, the underdeveloped parts of me I never knew existed. And if it is possible, motherhood, it filled the lil cracks in my heart that had deepened over time with longing for love and to belong and where existence had a meaning.

Someday I will have my little one, but Murf you are and will always be special, one after my heart. You may not be born of me, but you healed me and you gave birth to a mother and taught me the greatest lesson of all times: unconditional love. Murfa, my love; I have never quite loved anyone the way I love you. You are the epicenter of my being. Love seems like a tiny word now.