30

Three decades on this planet does feel like a lot. I try and be happy or think about all the happy things that have happened in an attempt to be happy; but somehow I find it hard to recall (not because they donot exist but maybe the memories were not happy enough to be remembered) Nonetheless, I know even if momentarily I was happy. Be it getting a job, be it meeting my soulmate, be it making new friends or owning my car.

The thing with turning a year older is, I feel like I have lost time, I feel more alone than I have ever felt, I feel there is a sense of futility to this entire existence. It seems crazy but at the face of being 'settled in life' I have no one to call my own. I have material comforts but nothing that truly pleases me. I have family and people but none to call my own.

30, so many years on this planet yet none to cherish. There is a ring of finality, like there is no option but to grow up, to face your fate; live to inch closer to the end. Like there will be adult things I will not be able to overlook, duties that I will have to comply to, like this life will be about others and officially no longer mine, the fire that burns rebelliously to prove its individuality will eventually be extinguished and domesticated. A life which will be more about others and less about me.

I know not everything has to be a particular way because it is the norm. But at the face of rebellion, the disintegration is imminent even if slow. no amount of broad thinking, understanding partner or progressive society can stall the corrosion. Freedom, independence, equality are but jargons; words of consolation to appease the fire in you, until it can be eventually tamed and extinguished.

I say this not out of anger or reproach but as a sad acknowledgement. How many times have our mothers put their husbands, their kids to the forefront and forgotten their own needs, happiness or their own voice? How many times have they managed to retain their own identity and not be known as a wife or a mother? Few and rare times. How many times have their pursed their lips, taken things in their stride, muffled the voices that seemed to be loud enough to be heard? How many times have others stepped up / ahead taking into their stride her inability or failings? This is a fate we all have seen, turned away refusing to accept or fight so hard to push back but for a day, on her birthday. What happens when the day is over? 'Take her for granted' comes back in to the everyday life.

Pardon me, I donot want to sound cynical. Maybe I do, but importantly, i am but just stating the obvious. I am a positive person and would like to see the bright side but one must call a spade a spade; makes reality a bit more bearable instead of building an alternate reality.

What this new decade will unfurl I will but have to wait and see. But for the entire decade and more (11 years) of this blog being a part of my journey, for seeing me through some of the toughest times of my life, for keeping me sane, for being my only outlet! I am grateful!

This 30th year, I promise myself to find reasons to be happy than sad, to never indulge in my darkness, to take life as it comes. This 30, will be about healing!